I Kill Myself Days at a Time, Now You Can Too

by Dylan Sanders

Here is some advice for the next time you’re feeling…under

Breathing can be frustrating, so it is best to remember
When taking breaths, stick your fingers down your throat
Melt them back as far as they will go, feel for your trachea
If you don’t have a gag reflex you might have to punch yourself repeatedly
Until you feel it

Waking can be equally as exhausting
Don’t forget to wake up
You need to wake up because…
Clocks without people staring serve no purpose

Most activities can exhaust a feeling of welcomeness
Especially when realizing how many days there really are
Calendars of foresight
Dreams of jumping from cliffs, being mugged in a dark alley
All these scenarios repeating every night and you’ll die over again
Repetition in endless cycles

For example, writing this guide has been exhausting
I would never write this guide outside of the dream
I kill myself days at a time, mark my deaths with alarms
‘Wake up’, ‘Get up’, ‘Work’
These things guide me and I can no longer live without them

Sometimes I forget what’s typing my keys
Are they fingers or are they bones
Canvassed by skin
Patchwork of sights, sounds
Nerves restitched to new brain
Craft myself in new places, old skin falls away
And my fingers ache, pop, bruise
Because yes, they are fingers, I can see now
They do not look as mine did
What were my fingers before?

Do you remember the texture?
Do you remember the taste that stained your tongue?

So I detach them slowly
Twist left at the knuckle, dislocate, slide from hand made tomb
Small incisions around the base to release
No meat, only bones, so light and—is fluffy the correct word?

Lay them on the table in rows
A lot less effort, suicide
But no
Because I’d rather waste away with time
Greater punishment, greater experience

Eroding into ether a skin cell at a time
Painting over my existence in narrow strokes
Pen lines bolded double strikethrough my name

The importance is in me
Perpetual unhappiness unavoidable doubtless
I can be happy still, so I try

Dylan Sanders graduated from Millikin University in December 2014 with a degree in creative writing. He has written articles for Thecirclepit.com and nerdglow.com and is currently promoting his upcoming graphic novel, Skull Kids: Poetry To Read Alone In The Woods, which is being published by Bronze Man Books in the fall. He enjoys being lost in modern internet culture and metal music, believes in the synthwave revival and finds tragedy to hold the greatest potential for comedy. He can be contacted on Facebook and Twitter.